Funky Toadstool Field Guide (Beware the Devil’s Fingers)
Beware the Devil’s Fingers
Sprouting from the ground,
They will try to snatch you,
They will drag you down.
Beware the Slimy Waxcaps
With their toxic ooze,
Poisoning your thinking
And leaving you confused.
Beware the Tongues of Fire
Whispering in your ear,
Draining you of hope,
Filling you with fear.
Beware the Witches’ Cauldrons
Spewing noxious fumes,
Turning dreams to dreamdust
And handing you the broom.
Beware the Stinking Dapperlings
Playing sour games,
If you join their circle
You will smell the same.
Beware the Burning Beacons
Promising a light,
Only to extinguish
In the middle of the night.
Yer Teacher Izza Toadstool
Yer teacher izza toadstool
Exams are toadstools too
Yer school iz one big toadstool
Tryna to tell yer wot to do
If yer wanna dance and sing
Do yer thing!
Yer teevee izza toadstool
Adverts are toadstools too
The news iz one big stinkhorn
Tryna to tell yer wot to do
If yer’d rather watch the skies
Open yer eyes!
The Prime Minister izza toadstool
And all the Cabinet too
The government iz one big puffball
Tryna to tell yer wot to do
If yer don’t want that nine-ter-five
Jump and jive!
Tick as Appropriate
What is your ethnicity?
Choose a section, A to E,
That best describes your ethnic group or background
And tick one box as appropriate.
Dad ticks the white box,
Mum ticks it too,
But India is where Mum’s parents were born and grew.
In photographs, Grandad is dark,
And Nana, like Mum, is light,
But I don’t think that either of them would tick white.
So why does Mum tick the white box?
Maybe she’s confused.
Maybe Nana and Grandad told her which box to choose.
I’m not sure I should tick the white box,
It doesn’t feel right.
But what am I going to tick if not white?
If Mum ticks the white box
I guess I could tick it too.
I’m lighter than Mum – white will do.
Inappropriate
My teacher asked me
Why I didn’t tick B
And instead chose to tick the white box.
My Mum and my Dad
Seemed kind of mad
When they found out I didn’t tick the white box.
The lads in the alley
Called me a paki
Even though I ticked the white box.
They still call me names
But I’m not ashamed
That I didn’t tick the white box.
(I Won’t Be) Boxed In
My teacher asked me
Why I didn’t tick B
And instead chose to tick the white box.
Another asked me
Why I didn’t tick C
And instead chose to tick the white box.
My classmate asked me
Why I didn’t tick D
And instead chose to tick the white box.
Another told me
That I should’ve ticked E,
I had no right ticking the white box.
Next time
I’m not ticking the white box,
But I’m leaving their boxes blank.
Charlie Jones is a poet from Merseyside. His poetry has appeared with Bindweed, Acumen, Orbis, Honest Ulsterman and The Caterpillar.
Bindweed Magazine 