INTENT
Of course the view from here is nothing. Well, disappointing. Not quite what you’d expect. If you expect a view of the sea. Personally I never minded. But some people would be disappointed, I suppose. Not that anyone ever said anything. Well, they don’t, do they? No-one is going to come here and say they’re disappointed by the view, are they? I mean, people simply don’t say that sort of thing. But, by God, they think it. I tell everyone I’m living by the sea. And so they come expecting to have a glimpse at least of the sea. They’re disappointed. Of course they are. They’re bound to be disappointed. Even if nobody says anything I can sense their disappointment. They think the lesser of me. Of course they do. I’m used to gossip. It’s what I expect, really. It’s the vicious stuff I object to. The rest I can cope with.
No. It’s never my decision. That’s the trouble. It’s never my decision. It’s never my decision. Someone else decides.
Let me assure you at once that I have deeply-held convictions based not only on my extensive reading but on my experience and knowledge of life. I have lived and worked among ordinary people.
I’ll never believe in spiritual power and mystical revelation. I’ll never burn incense and talk about energies. I’ll talk about real things and real people. I’ll talk about the tangible world where I walk. I’ll talk about the people I meet, the people I hope to meet, the people I love and the people I hate….That is what I thought when I was young. And that is what I think now. I’m not going to change, am I? No, of course I’m not. I want to walk through a world I know is there. If it’s not real then it’s not interesting, is it? Not to me, at any rate. And not to you, I hope.
The future? I’m not sure about that. Why not just concentrate on things as they are? I mean, here and now. Here we are. Here and now. It’s no good just leaping into the future. Just feel the presence of what’s happening now….Do I really believe that? And if I don’t believe it why do I say it? But it’s what I’ve always said, so I suppose I must believe it. Why else would I say it? Have I built my life upon a protective lie? And if I have what vulnerability in me does it mask?
Old friends who weren’t really friends. But they could have been. They could have been my friends. I didn’t understand them. And they didn’t understand me. Is that friendship? I believe that in a way it is.
I thought I knew what I wanted in life. When I was young I did know. That is, I thought I knew. I’m not sure now. But the truth is, as I now see, people are more important than anything. The people you know. The people you care about. I thought I knew. I thought I knew. But I did know. I did know. If only others had listened.
I’m not lucky. I’m not lucky at all. I thought I was but I’m not. Then something happens and the years fall away. Yes, it was a long time ago. Yes, we’ve all moved on. We’ve all changed. Everything’s different. We’re mature and sensible. And we look back on our younger selves with nostalgia. But that’s not really how it is, is it? It’s not really like that, is it? Then something happens. And then you look back and you think how different things might have been. Everyone does that, I suppose, at some time.
To open a door that you never knew was there. Isn’t that what everyone wants to do in their lives?
You don’t think I should speak my mind. People don’t like anyone to say what they mean. We should all lie. That’s why the world is in a mess. It is lies that have made this world such a mess. It’s not enough to try. Can’t you see that? We have to do more than just try. Anyone can try. The world is full of people who try.
This really is going nowhere. It was a mistake. I had my misgivings, but, rashly, I supposed that somehow…. It’s a question of understanding what you experience. It’s no good just leaping into the future. Just feel the presence of what’s happening now.
Of course the view from here is nothing. If you expect a view of the sea. If you expect a view of the sea.
Geoffrey Heptonstall
Bindweed Magazine 